


Colorless

by marsowon



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, M/M, ahintofsihae, yehyuk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-25
Packaged: 2020-11-24 14:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 4,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20909372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsowon/pseuds/marsowon
Summary: Hyukjae loses the ability to see colors when his lover cheats on him and leaves.Jongwoon is a stranger that wants to help Hyukjae to have his world filled with colors again.





	1. One

** 12 days. 05 hours. 35 minutes.**  
  
Hyukjae dreams.

He dreams of colors, colors that he's sure he never seen before, and doesn't know their names.

He dreams of love, and a love that actually lasts, and not the love he had experienced a week ago.

He dreams of a man, who's face can't be seen, yet Hyukjae feels his touches, hear his soft, low voice telling him to hang in there, and wait for him.

And he dreams of an everlasting happiness, that he knows he can't accomplish.

Out of all of these dreams, the one with the man was the one he enjoyed the most.


	2. Two

** 13 days. 02 hours. 23 minutes.**

Hyukjae finds himself in a bridge, just to look at the water underneath and listen to the cars passing on the road not that far from where he was. He wishes he could fall from there, just to feel the cold water on his skin.

The reflection on the water showed someone Hyukjae couldn’t recognize. He didn’t looked like himself. It looked just like a hollow version of him, one that was dull and lifeless.

He found himself wishing that weeks ago, he was stronger. That he was able to take every blow without complaining, because he couldn’t deal with how everything looked so dull, empty. The lack of color indeed caused a change in his mood - he didn't notice it at first. But now, seeing that he’s willing to just throw himself on the cold, deep water, he finally sees how he’s not fine.

“I wonder if someone will notice if I jump and disappear,” He mutters to himself, sitting on the edge. “I guess they won’t, I'm surprisingly useless for them.”

“You don’t plan on jumping, do you?” A voice, so similar to the one he had listened in his dream, says so softly that Hyukjae has to hold the urge to look to his side, focusing his eyes on the water instead.

“Do you really care if I die or not?”

“It would be such a shame if someone as beautiful as you die so tragically.” The man on his side answers, choosing to lean on the handrail instead of sitting on it, like Hyukjae was doing. Hyukjae felt his heart beating fast on his chest at the compliment and a flicker of color came to him, yet he thought it would be better if he ignored it.

“Sweet words won’t stop the thoughts I have on my head.” He chooses to say it instead, fiddling with his fingers. “Just pretend you’ve never seen me, and ignore this random stranger trying to see if killing himself is the answer to his troubles.”

“My name is Jongwoon,” the stranger says, and Hyukjae hears him moving, yet still doesn’t move to see his face. “If you tell me your name, we won’t be strangers anymore.”

“Hyukjae.” The name slips from his lips quickly, and Hyukjae groans when he notices. “Just leave, and pretend you never met me, please.”

“Very well, I hope I can meet you another time, then.” And Jongwoon leaves, just like that.


	3. Three

**16 days. 14 hours. 05 minutes.**

Hyukjae soon finds himself in a cafe, unfocused eyes roaming around in search of any sort of color, only to find nothing. He chuckles to himself, knowing it was something stupid to do - his love left him and it caused him to lose the ability to see colors, of course he wouldn’t be able to see it.

The hot liquid weren’t burning his mouth anymore, instead Hyukjae feels like he is starting to get immune to it. He downed it in one go, not wanting to feel the bitter taste of the coffee nor how hot it was.

“Fancy seeing you here again.” Jongwoon’s voice echoes in his head so softly that Hyukjae feels like he’s melting. “And you look better than before.”

He had dreamt of that voice days ago and it caused him to be less hostile towards the male, because it was his voice that calmed him through a horrific nightmare that night.

“How are you?” Jongwoon asks so gently, softly that Hyukjae feels weak in his knees.

“Better than before.” It is a short, small answer but Jongwoon feels glad that Hyukjae isn’t hostile anymore. “Sit down, I don’t want people looking at us because you’re standing.”

“Oh, right..” Jongwoon chuckles silently and he sits down, hands fiddling with his coffee cup. “Will you feel bad if I ask you why you were on that bridge?”

Hyukjae chuckles, of course Jongwoon wouldn’t forget that. “Lost my boyfriend and life lost its meaning.”

“Oh, so you’re a lonely soul too. I kind of expected that, though. No one truly happy would do something like that.” And Jongwoon sighs, a twinkle of hope shining on his eyes, but Hyukjae never noticed. “Life is colorless but at some point it is going to be worth it, Hyukjae-ssi.” 

Hyukjae wishes he could believe that.


	4. Four

**19 days. 23 hours. 01 minutes.**

At some point, Hyukjae notices he's not leaving his house anymore. Instead, he locked himself inside his house for hours and hours, not really moving.

On days like these, he would just lay his head on his pillow and sleep until he couldn't feel like moving anymore. These were the days that if he had stayed awake, he would just cry. So he decided to only sleep.

His friends never liked when he locked himself, mostly because they couldn't reach out to him. And it was a normal occurrence that his friends would suddenly appear in his apartment – not knocking on the door, nor making themselves known, they would just open the door with the password.

“Wakey wakey, Hyuk!” Donghae would say and, as always, Siwon would chuckle in amusement and caress Hyukjae's hair.

Then Siwon would say something similar to “oh, Hyuk, changed hair color again?” and Hyukjae would wake up, uncomfortable because he didn't even know what color his hair was.

And indeed, it happened, but not how they usually did. Hyukjae couldn't bring himself to mind, though, he felt extremely exhausted to care about how his friends invaded his apartment.

“G' morning.” Hyukjae says, his eyes not opening and he felt that the attention is on him again. One of his hands went to his hair, trying to smooth down the messy locks while the other were gently rubbing his eyes.

“Hey, Hyuk.” Siwon's tone isn't really cheerful, and Donghae looks gloomy. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Hyukjae answers and coughs, his throat feeling dry for some reason and he thinks it is because bad news might come soon.

“We've seen him.” Donghae mutters as his eyes flutter close, not wanting to see Hyukjae's sad eyes. “He's.. complaining, he can't see any colors. His lover doesn't understand why, and he's pushing the blame on you.”

“Of course he would do something like that.” Hyukjae chuckles, unamused. Tears were forming on his eyes, and the feeling of being guilty for something he shouldn't take the blame made his heart to break even more. “The love he wants was the love I could give to him. His lover probably doesn't even loves him, so of course he can't see. Since we aren't together anymore, he won't feel any effect of my feelings.”

“Hyuk..”

“Look, I'm fine. His world is black and white and so is mine but I can't bring myself to care anymore. He's.. a part of me I want to forget. I'm just grateful that he's not my soulmate, or else..” Hyukjae smiles a little, far from being the usual gummy smile he would show to his friends.

“If you need anything, you can come to us.” Donghae smiles softly and kisses Hyukjae's forehead. “Just.. don't be alone.”


	5. Five

**23 days. 17 hours. 13 minutes.**

And Hyukjae meets Jongwoon again, a few days later. He's better, not truly smiling but he's not that's awful and he doesn't wish to die every single day. Jongwoon doesn't seem any better, though. He is wearing sunglasses and his face looks way too red. Still, Hyukjae barely notices, and keeps up his facade.

“I wonder when I'll be able to see you truly smiling.” Jongwoon tells him, and Hyukjae stares at him wide-eyed. “Even if I don’t know you that well, I know this is not how you usually are. These tight smiles you give to people around you isn’t enough to fool me.”

“I'm surprised you noticed, Jongwoon-ssi.” Hyukjae mutters and frowns. How can he be so observant? “Please don't pay too much attention to me. I don't like it.”

“Sorry if it seems that I'm doing on purpose, but I'm not.” Jongwoon smiles, hands playing around with a cup of coffee he was drinking minutes ago. “I just tend to unconsciously look at your direction a lot.”

“Jongwoon-ssi.” It is a warning and Jongwoon notices quickly, muttering a low apology. “I'll ask you one more time.. please, don't. Don't pay attention to me, don't try to get closer to me. It is not going to make you any good, Jongwoon-ssi.”

Hyukjae's tone is cautious, yet gentle. It sounded like a threat, but Jongwoon isn't deaf – he noticed how hurt his voice sounds, and he knew there was something else that Hyukjae isn't willing to share.

He wants to know what, but feels that he already crossed the line.


	6. Six

** 25 days. 03 hours. 32 minutes.**

It took a long time, but Hyukjae expected it to happen. On his knees, his ex lover was in front of him, eyes pleading for forgiveness. Hyukjae silently wished he hadn't done such a thing in a public space – he feels bad for having to reject him, especially in front of Jongwoon.

“Please, come back to me.” He begged over and over with tears in his eyes, though Hyukjae couldn't feel pity for him. _ Cheaters deserves to suffer, _ he reminds Donghae's words over and over.

“You made your decision so please stick with it and leave me alone..” Hyukjae repeated for the nth time, feeling extremely uncomfortable. “You said it is over..”

“I regret it, Hyukkie-ah. I regret it all.” He said and Hyukjae felt like disappearing.

“Come on, Hyukjae, let’s leave.” Jongwoon tells him, moving towards the door.

Hyukjae is caught by hesitation. He wants to leave, but also wants to stay. He feels that if he leaves, he’ll be alone and he doesn’t want that.

Jongwoon seems to notice that Hyukjae isn’t following him, and looks back, with a small smile on his lips. “You know that you’re only going to be happy if you move on. Staying with him won’t help your condition.”

And Hyukjae knows. He knows that already, but his mind plays countless scenarios and he finds himself asking ‘what if’.

Sighing, Hyukjae walks towards Jongwoon and wishes he picked the right option.


	7. Seven

**25 days. 04 hours. 13 minutes.**

Hyukjae is holding Jongwoon's hand for a while now. He's been repeating over and over that he's doing that because Jongwoon is the only thing that links him to the reality right now – and it wasn't a lie, but it isn't the truth either.

Flickers of colors were teasing him for a few minutes, and he couldn't help but feel bothered by it. _Was destiny teasing the shit out of him, now that he couldn’t understand what his life has descended into?_

“You did a great job there,” Jongwoon says after a long silence, “I thought that you would stay with him.”

“I.. thought about it.” Hyukjae mutters, not recognizing his own voice anymore. “I felt so.. bad, mad that he would think I would come back to him after all the shit he put me through. And I felt worse when I caught myself actually thinking of going back to him.”

“Why?”

“As you said, I would only be happy if I moved on. My relationship with him wasn’t a happy one, and I’ve barely been able to see any color when I was with him. His concept of love is twisted.. And definitely, isn’t the one I am searching.” Hyukjae chuckles at the memories, the flickers of colors disappearing as soon as they came. “I guess he never loved me. It seems that for him, all I could give to him was my body and only that.”

“Jerk indeed.” Jongwoon growls, having to bite his tongue so he wouldn’t say something bad. “I’m glad you’re searching for your happiness instead of allowing him to use you for his pleasure.”

“I’ve been with him for almost three years.. Of course sooner or later I would learn how to read through his bullshit.”

“I’m glad you learned. And that you’re giving yourself a chance.” Jongwoon smiles, and Hyukjae wants to punch himself for feeling those butterflies in his stomach.

_Just what is going on with him?_


	8. Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dumb ass posted three chapters in the wrong order so I'm sorry for posting and reposting it a lot.

**27 days. 04 hours. 02 minutes.**

“How was he?” Jongwoon asks suddenly, and Hyukjae stop playing on his phone to look at Jongwoon confusedly. “Your ex, how was he?”

“Sometimes he was caring,” Hyukjae lies, and decides that lying is better than the hurtful truth, “Things had colors when he was around, but only when he was around. We.. were like a normal couple, though he never took me on dates, or hugged me in public. Said he couldn’t do that, couldn’t risk his parents finding out his sexuality, but I ended up finding out he was cheating on me when he was kissing his fucking lover in a cafe.”

“I’m.. sorry for mentioning this.” Jongwoon sounds sad, and Hyukjae manages to give him a small smile.

“Don’t worry. After what you had seen, at least you needed to know a little about me and him.” The look on his face shows he’s lying, but Jongwoon pretends not to notice. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Of course.”


	9. Nine

** 29 days. 12 hours. 32 minutes.**

The days that passed were uneventful, and Hyukjae barely left his house again. This time, he spent most of his time texting Jongwoon, since the older man remembered to give him his number.

He still felt like something wasn’t right, and it was mainly because he couldn’t stop seeing colors - flickers of red, lavender, blue and light pink were teasing him for four days already and it was unsettling. He barely knew those colors, not even knew their existence until they started to appear.

“Things indeed are strange ever since I met him,” Hyukjae mutters to himself and wishes that those colors would stop soon. He honestly hates them - it is like they were mocking him. And every time they disappear this feeling stick to him even more.

He answers Jongwoon's texts and throws his phone back on his bed, wondering how Jongwoon got that close to him so quickly. It felt like Jongwoon knew what to say, how to act and what to do around him and Hyukjae wondered  _ how. _

Sighing, he decided that paying attention to the program on the TV is more worth it than thinking of Jongwoon and the flickers of colors that seemed to appear only when he was thinking of him.


	10. Ten

** 29 days. 13 hours. 02 minutes.**

Jongwoon thinks of his life, and wishes to hold on just a little bit longer.

He was wandering around for so long, barely settling in in one place and he was prepared to just give up and disappear completely. He promised himself that Seoul would be his last stop, but he wasn't able to kill himself as he wished.

Because Hyukjae appeared suddenly, and Jongwoon felt curious about him.

He wasn't sure of his feelings, why he had decided to approach Hyukjae. And he noticed that he was feeling things he never felt before. He felt scared, because his past relationship fucked him and created barriers around his heart that no one was able to break – he had so many blind dates, had hook-up with tons of people but none of them managed to attract him enough to free himself from his own fears. But Hyukjae suddenly appeared and managed to make him feel things he couldn't comprehend.

Jongwoon thought it may be destiny trying to mess with him. He seriously wouldn't fall in love so quickly, would he? And society barely had soulmates nowadays – it is impossible.

“But even the day we first met felt like it was destined to happen.” Jongwoon whispers, and he groans.

He seriously thinks he should stop thinking about it. Because he's sure he and Hyukjae are better off as friends.


	11. Eleven

**32 days. 24 minutes.**

Hyukjae dreams.

This time, it is more terrifying - Jongwoon isn’t there to calm him down, instead, he is there to suffer. Hyukjae can hear him screaming in pain.

And Hyukjae can’t do anything about it. His hands were trapped, his feet as well, and even though he was thrashing around, he couldn’t do much.

He is crying, as if he’s feeling all the pain Jongwoon is feeling.

And he’s screaming as well, not because he was in pain, but instead, because he wants to distract himself from the screams Jongwoon is making.

Because he’s sure that if he hear Jongwoon scream once again, he’s going to die.


	12. Twelve

**32 days. 26 minutes.**

Hyukjae wakes up suddenly, his heart beating quickly as he reached for his phone. He’s frantically typing on his phone, trying to remember Jongwoon’s number so he could call him.

He doesn’t know why he’s doing this - why he’s so desperate to know if the other is alright? Why he’s trembling? Why does he cares this much?

The phone rang for a few seconds before Jongwoon picked up and when he did, Hyukjae sighed in relief.

“Hyung,” Hyukjae starts hesitantly, hearing Jongwoon hum on the other side, “are you okay, hyung?”

_ “What? Of course I am.. And Hyukjae it’s midnight. Why are you calling?” _ Jongwoon questions tiredly and Hyukjae felt bad for waking him up so early.

“I had a nightmare, hyung. And you were hurt in it.. So I wanted to see if you were okay..” Hyukjae mutters and Jongwoon sighs, noticing how worried Hyukjae sounded.

_ “Do you want me to sing for you?” _

“But hyung, you’re tired..”

_ “Let me sing for you, Hyukjae-ah.” _

And Hyukjae complies, falling asleep minutes later when Jongwoon finished singing  _ Hibernation _ .


	13. Thirteen

**38 days. 03 hours. 12 minutes.**

“Have you been seeing those flickers of colors as well?” Hyukjae asks when they met again, and Jongwoon chokes on air. “Hyung?”

Jongwoon notices how Hyukjae had gotten a little more comfortable with him as the days passed - before, he used to call him ‘Jongwoon-ssi’ but now he would often call him ‘hyung’, and Jongwoon noted he was more open to skinship, more than before.

And it makes him ask himself  _ how _ and  _ when _ it happens, and wonder how he’s going to leave if he can’t forget how it feels right to be beside the younger male.

“Ah, yes, I’ve been seeing it.” Jongwoon answers after a long silence, not knowing how to approach the subject without fucking everything. “I can’t explain much to you, you should discover it by yourself.”

“Why?”

“It won’t be special if I tell you.” Jongwoon chuckles lightly at the pout in Hyukjae’s lips, wishing that he could kiss it. “Now, now, let’s focus on something else, shall we?” 

“Okay, let’s go. You still have to buy me a hot chocolate.” Hyukjae smiles, and Jongwoon feels his heart beating fast when he noticed it was the only smile Hyukjae showed him without it being forced. “But you have to tell me more about those colors later.”

“Maybe another time, Hyukjae-ah.” Jongwoon sighs and wishes that he could rewind time. So that if he leaves, heartbreak won’t hurt Hyukjae as much as it would hurt him.


	14. Fourteen

**47 days. 12 hours. 43 minutes.**

Jongwoon already knew that this feeling that he should just disappear and leave everything behind was approaching him, faster than before. Still, he tried to endure as much as possible, because wanted to make Hyukjae happy before he’s gone.

Life wasn’t nice to him, though, because soon he found himself standing on the same bridge he met Hyukjae, gathering the courage to jump from there and drown on that dirty water.

He felt tears falling from his eyes as he remembered everything, and he wanted to forget it all.

_ “I love you more than everything in this world. _

_ So don’t leave me, Jongwoon-ah, because I won’t be able to bear with it.” _

Why did he left, then?

“You don’t plan on jumping, do you?” Said a voice Jongwoon recognized way too well, and he chuckled when he noticed that the roles were twisted. “Why do you look so broken?”

“Because I am broken, Hyukjae. Not that you noticed before, anyways.” His answer caused the younger male to sigh. There were a lot of things they weren’t willing to share, Hyukjae knew that, but he kind of wished that Jongwoon would be able to come to him and share all his problems. “Why are you here?”

“Had a feeling that something would happen if I came here. And indeed, it happened.” Hyukjae chuckles dryly. “I guess we have a lot of things to talk about, don’t you think?”

“Now you wish to share everything? You were the one hiding things, after all.” Jongwoon hated how his voice sounded so empty, lifeless. Flickers of color came to him, at the same time as a warm hand touched his arm.

“Would you share everything about your life with a stranger, Jongwoon hyung?”

“You have a point.”

“Come on. We have to talk. Not only about our lives, but about something I discovered today.”


	15. Fifteen

** 47 days. 13 hours. 10 minutes.**

“My past relationship was.. Colorful, I guess.” Jongwoon starts hesitantly. They were at Hyukjae’s apartment now, wrapped in fluffy blankets and drinking coffee and hot chocolate. After minutes of begging, Jongwoon gave in and started talking about his life first. “You see, I had everything I could wish for. A respectful partner, a nice set of friends.. And everything was nice, until I discovered my ex was cheating on me with my best friend.”

Hyukjae audibly gasps at that, and Jongwoon chuckles humorlessly. “And suddenly, everything was getting out of control. I woke up one day and found out I couldn’t see any color, and found out they both had left for Japan. They at least had the decency to leave me a letter, telling me how dumb I was to believe that Kyuhyun actually loved me. And I cried for days, I think. I ended up getting sick, and after days of not seeing me leave my apartment, my neighbor found me lying lifelessly on the floor. I was taken to the hospital, and the doctor told me it was a miracle that I was still alive, because my body wasn’t healthy enough to fight off any disease.”

“I was treated and after I was discharged, I started moving around the country. First I went to Jeju, then I left to Incheon, passed by Busan.. And I stopped here in Seoul, where I met you. I was supposed to leave on the same day I met you, but I stayed here because I got attached to you. Strange, right? I barely knew you, and got attached to you.” Jongwoon sighs and rubs his eyes to prevent any tears from falling. “I wasn’t supposed to make you cry, why the heck are you crying?”

“This is just.. So sad.” Hyukjae whines, rubbing his eyes as he sniffled a little. “Not even my story is that sad.”

“You can tell me about it later. All this crying made me sleepy.” Jongwoon chuckles, gasping when Hyukjae threw himself on his arms. “Hey, stop crying.”

“I’ll stop, just.. Let me give you some comfort, hyung. You must have been lonely.”

And Jongwoon cries again, but this time, with a small relief.


	16. Sixteen

**48 days. 15 hours. 21 minutes.**

Hyukjae stirs a little before opening his eyes, and he almost chokes when he notices he’s hugging Jongwoon. Then his eyes catches the colors he had been seeing on the day before and he groans. They were shining so strongly he thought he was blind for a second.

It took him some time to understand why they were appearing. He barely had experience with this, everything felt so weird he couldn’t help but literally beg for Donghae to explain to him what they meant, and why they were appearing.

_ “Either this Jongwoon is the one for you, or you’re just on drugs.. I think the first one is the right one, to be honest.” _ Donghae’s words made sense now. And it explained why he didn’t feel like letting Jongwoon go now.

“Hyung, wake up, hyung.” Hyukjae mutters, his fingers caressing oh-so-gently Jongwoon’s hair. “Seriously, hyung, wake up.”

“If it is morning I won’t open my eyes.” Jongwoon whispers hoarsely and Hyukjae giggles, searching for his phone.

“It is already afternoon, hyung. Wake up, we have to talk.”

Hesitantly Jongwoon opens his eyes and both make eye contact, causing Jongwoon to blush a little. “Talk about what?”   


“You’re in love with me and I’m in love with you, that’s why we’ve been seeing those colors but why you couldn’t tell me?” Hyukjae immediately asks and Jongwoon chokes on air. “Oh my God, hyung, calm down!”

“Wait- what, why, when, how?” Jongwoon coughs, looking lost and Hyukjae couldn’t help but giggle. “How did you found out?”

“Ah, so it was me the one who didn’t realized.” Hyukjae smiles a little and lays his head on Jongwoon’s chest. “I guess ever since the beginning I was falling in love with you, hyung.”

“When.. when you found out?”

“Yesterday. I asked Donghae how he found out he was in love with Siwon, and he explained it was because of the flickers of colors that happened whenever he was around Siwon. It happens with me whenever you’re around too.”

“I’m surprised, though I was suspecting it would take you a while to understand this was one of the signals.” Jongwoon chuckles and shifts a little, so he could be in a more comfortable position. “So indeed you were the right one for me, huh? We have a lot of things to talk about.”

“We still have time!”

“Hey, time is precious so we are supposed to cherish every single moment. And now I want to cherish it with you.” And Jongwoon holds Hyukjae’s face, smiles a little and for the first time, he gives him a quick peck on the lips.


End file.
